im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
