I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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