Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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