i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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