Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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