I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
