Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
