How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
