He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He kissed a someone with a penis
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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