My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I am one with the molecules
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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