No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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