I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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