I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just high enough for therapy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
