my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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