ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish I only lived at night.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
