I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
me + whiskey = a bad person
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
