To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
