Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
