I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
