she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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