I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
