drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
