he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
