Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
