omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
