the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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