I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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