Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
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She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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