Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
