Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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