U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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