dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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