I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
operation have a gay friend backfired
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
