She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
