you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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