I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
