It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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