just come out here and I will go home with you...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
