Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
