i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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