How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
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If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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