He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
