How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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