I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
