LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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