Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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