I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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