the condom got lost in my hair
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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