new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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