As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
