my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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