she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
