Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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