this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
