found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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