does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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