We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
